Dating relationships and the demand withdraw pattern of communication avatar datingw com bu 1

Needless to say, the more the partner is invested in either holding onto the power he or she has or keeping things the way they are, the more he or she will withdraw from the discussion.

Personality differences, in addition to individual needs and goals, clearly play a factor too.

This latter point strikes me as very important too, since the individual’s attitude toward discussing marital difficulties is central, and whether he or she sees airing problems as potentially useful or just a battleground in the making.

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While the research I drew on is about marriage, it happens in chid-parent relationships too, where power is one-sided, and the dynamic often occurs when the mother is unloving, dismissive, or withdrawn.

In that context, the child plays the demand role, usually to no avail.

Again, although I agree with several points, some of the wording in this article feels pathologizing and shaming - from my perspective.

A good book I would recommend to compliment this discussion is Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, by Sue Johnson.

I wonder how much of that is socialization, because certainly at least lesbians can easily play either role.

(We don't work with gay men, so I don't have any info on how this plays out in their relationships, but I'd be surprised if it were not similar.) Michelle, I'm really not surprised; it's a human interaction (one human who needs something, and one who doesn't want to hear about it).

But, gee, I wish I’d understood it better at the time. In our work with couples, we see it all the time - one partner pursues, the other withdraws.

We have a framework for this we call PAP & PEP (stands for Primal Abandonment Panic, and Primal Engulfment Panic.) More info on it is here: I do think it is interesting that it seems that in heterosexual relationships, women are in the demanding/pursuing role, and men in the withdrawing role.

To borrow from gardening, Demand/Withdraw is both tenacious and invasive.

On a personal note, I can’t say that the pattern is what wrecked my relationship; I see it more as a symptom of other dysfunction. Shimkowski, "A Meta-Analytical Review of the Demand/Withdraw Pattern of Interaction and its Association with Individual, Relational, and Communicative Outcomes, Actually, this toxic pattern happens with lesbian couples as well.

My last (failed) relationship, it turns out, is a psychological cliché, which is disheartening but at least it gives me plenty of company.

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